Loss
by Altra
Summary: Language. Firesong reflection in Storms. Re-did format.


  
  


Loss  
  
by Altra

  
  
A/N: Do not expect anymore Valdemar fics from me. This is a one time thing. I'm no where near good, just got attacked by that damn 'need to write NOW' bug.  
  
A/N 2: I'm sorry, but I had to fix the formatting on this story. The content is the same, but the formatting will by much different.  
  
  


_Memories are just where you laid them,  
Dragging waters, till the depths give up there dead.  
What did you expect to find?  
  
  
_I scanned my _ekele_, which lay in disarray. Empty. Why does it have to be so cold? An'desha. He left me; me and the _ekele_. And for what? For the palace for himself. But why couldn't he be happy with me? He said he loves me, and yet he can leave me so quickly.  
  
  


_Was it something you left behind?  
  
  
_He left me, cold and alone. Darkwind tells me this state of... irrationalness is a result of the mage Storms. I doubt it. Did I ever truly love him? Or did I love the attention, the need?  
  
  


_Don't you remember, everything I said when I said,  
Don't fall away,  
And leave me to myself,  
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands,  
In my hands again.  
  
  
_Maybe it was a good thing that he pulled away from me. He gained self confidence, a backbone, a life... all without my help. Karal-damn-him helped him find himself. It still hurts. All Karal did was re-state what I, Firesong, have been saying. So why did An'desha believe the words when they come from Karal? What is so great about that Karasite? Years. I spent years with An'desha and Karal-damn-him made more progress then I ever did in a matter of months! Months! Here I am now, the great Firesong, most powerful mage of this time, wallowing in my own self pity. Damn you An'desha. You led me to this.  
  
"Damn you!" I screamed, hurling a nearby vase at a wall.  
  
Shattered glass split to the ground, covering the rock floor in a graceful motion. Kneeling, I scooped the crystal shards in my hands. Ironic, I break the vase to release my anger, and instead, I break my heart. Curling my hands into fists, I feel a sharp pain in my palm.  
  
Glancing down, red blood crawls across my skin, turning my tan skin a sticky, streaked, sight. Something, something streaks down my face. Daring a touch, I separate my hand from the glass shards, embedded in my palm.  
  
"Tears?" I whisper, as if in awe.  
  
  


_Love lies bleeding,  
Oh hold me now, I feel contagious.  
Am I the only place that you've left to go.  
She cries that life is like, some movie black and white  
  
  
_Tearing my eyes from the obvious wetness, I get to my feet. Running for my coat, I think of the possible places to go.  
  
"Not the palace, never the palace," I mutter, cursing myself for being such a coward. Do you fear what lies there? Or maybe... who?, my conscious taunts. A picture of a welcome stable appeared in my mind.  
  
"Of course! The stables. No one would be there," I whispered, on my way out the door.  
  
  


_Dead actors faking lines,  
Over and over and over she cries,  
Don't fall away, and leave me to myself  
  
  
_The winter air whipped at the edges of my coat. Needles of cold penetrated my thick coat. I spotted the stable, just down the path. The old sturdy building beckoned to me. My barren hands closed upon the metal handle. Blood from my hand stained the handle as I quickly went through the door. As predicted, I saw no one but horses. Black horses, brown horses, gray horses, and no Companions. Perfect.  
  
  


_Don't fall away,  
And leave love bleeding in my hands,  
In my hands again  
  
  
_Inhaling deeply, the scent of sweet, golden hay touched my nose. A horse or two would glance at me, then ignore me, as though I am no one important.  
  
And I'm not.  
  
Who needs me? Who needs a mage who believes that magic has no limits? That magic has no rules? The way things really are? All that crap about 'logic' and 'laws'. It's not true, magic is it's own law, it's own element. Yet, it's greater then any element, for it follows no laws.  
  
But is it truly that way?  
  
Magic has no laws. No restrictions apply to it. Much like love. Neither have restrictions.  
  
And neither are dependable.  
  
  


_Love lies bleeding.  
And I wanted,  
You turned away,  
You don't remember,  
But I do.   
You never even tried  
  
  
_Shuffling my feet, dust flits up into the air, only to land on my doe skin boots. Dejectedly, I stare at the dust as if my glare could possibly move it. The specks rose, then scattered.  
  
Oh look, it's magic.  
  
Anger pulsing through me. Power gathers around my hands, glowing a brilliant green. Yet my thoughts see nothing more then red, hate, pain, betrayal. So much time! So much effort! And so much love, dedication, and patience! Yet, he still finds it so easy to leave me! Am I just so undesirable? Do I repulse people that easily? Well, what the HELL do they know? Hm? That's right. Nothing. None of them know what it feels like to be powerful, only to be shunted asked by the same hand that adored you. Talk about kissing the hand that starves you. It stings. It hurts to know that I was once so loved, and to know I'm thought of as a failure. To love so dearly, it's like a slap in the face. Goddamn you, An'desha! Look at what you've done to me! I'm a wreck, waiting to be torn apart!  
  
But would it matter?  
  
Grabbing my head, I take many steps backwards. My back slams against the side of the stable, shaking the sides. Still clutching my head, I was vaguely aware of slipping down the side, sitting at the bottom. What the hell is happening to me?  
  
  


_Don't fall away  
And leave me to myself.  
Don't fall away,  
And leave love bleeding in my hands,  
In my hands again  
  
  
_Ripping, tearing. falling apart. Gods, why am I acting so odd? Wonderful, now I can add 'I think I'm going insane' to my list of shitty things happening to me this week. Yay. Argh! Where is all this fucking sarcasm coming from? Darkwind must be right, these Storms must be effecting me.  
  
Yes, and I bet An'desha is still madly in love with me.  
  
Goddamn you, Karal!  
  
  


_Leave love bleeding in my hands,  
In my hands again.  
Leave love bleeding in my hands,  
In my hands again  
  
  
_As the world spins round and round, as my life spirals out of control, as my heart and sainty are ripped to shreds, I still have one thing I wish to say, with my last shard of sanity.  
  
"Goddamn you, Firesong."  
  
  


_Ohhh...  
Ohh...  
  
  
_

____  
  
Thank you to those who orignially reviewed this story.  
  


**BoyFlea  
  
ayamekavori  
  
Tegasus  
  
alex  
  
Silver Death  
  
Shini  
  
FrenchPea  
  
Xamenthya Shadowstar  
  
Hawkeagle  
  
Junipertree  
  
Gaberiel Yaslana  
  
Azrel  
  
Mirialdo Khushrenada  
  
Brightsong  
  
**

Again, thank you very much. The lyrics for the song are from Fuel, and I've actually forgotten the name of the song. Sorry about the mix up with the lyrics, the internet isn't very precise. Once more, thanks.  
  



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